As a former high school teacher {turned Instructional Technology Facilitator}, I have a confession. Teenagers are my absolutely favorite age of student with which to interact. They want to talk and share their opinions. They yearn for independence yet struggle when life isn’t easy. Their personalities are developing at a rapid speed which is evident in their wit, humor, and interactions of peers. They take risks and appear fearless. They are making memories that last a lifetime. They are making choices that impact the next chapter of their lives. I love it.
Yet. This path can be rocky. As a parent of two teenagers, I must constantly remind myself that there is a learning curve for teenagers. With increased independence comes responsibility, and teenagers will not always make the most sound decisions. Our response, as the adult mentors in their lives, matters.
Which reminds me of a story shared with me by a wise parenting mentor when my girls were toddlers. She reminded me, “Don’t fret the spilled milk. Teach them to carry the container.” She laughed that this would become increasingly important as the girls got older. {The story is here}
In this story, a child – in helping his mother – spills the entire container of milk on the kitchen floor. While the mother could have scolded the child for his carelessness, her approach was different. She used the opportunity to teach the child how to clean up the mess and how to effectively carry the delicate bottle to prevent it from happening again. After all, the milk was already on the floor. She couldn’t return it to the bottle. Yelling and screaming would change that, nor would it prevent it from happening again.
Teachable moment.
Empowering others.
With love and leadership, this mom took a minor disaster and turned it into a teachable moment and empowered her son with additional skills and confidence for future events.
Lessons learned:
- The child practiced carrying the container – outside and filled with water, so that a spill did not matter as much – building skills and confidence that he would use the next time he helps her in the kitchen.
- The child faced consequences – restorative consequences. In helping her properly clean the kitchen, he not only learned the importance of cleaning up his own messes, but he restored the kitchen to the way that it was before (maybe even cleaner). The consequences aligned with his error.
- Love. This parent’s approach fosters a relationship that encourages the son to come to her with problems – guiding him on the proper way to clean up his messes and learn to prevent the same error in the future.
Parenting is a tough gig. Teaching is, too. How can we apply this lesson to our everyday interactions with our students and children?
Teaching example: A student miserably fails a test.
- Restorative: Brainstorm ways that the student can restore his average by demonstrating mastery of the content.
- Building skills: Does the student know how to study the content? Does the student have the materials necessary to prepare? Dig deeply into this – as this build skill sets and confidence that extend far beyond your class.
Parenting example: Your child gets a speeding ticket.
- Restorative: Brainstorm that your child can restore the additional financial responsibility put on the family.
- Building skills: Is your child giving himself enough time to arrive or cutting it too close, encouraging speeding? Does your child know how to identify places where the speed limit might change? Is your child paying attention while driving? This is a golden opportunity to encourage ownership and responsibility, as managing your driving speed is completely within the driver’s control. Powerful.
I see so many benefits to this approach – whether we are parenting in touch situations or teaching in our classrooms.
- Adults are positive, loving resources for help.
- Consequences should be restorative and aligned.
- Effective change comes from the lesson learned.
Admittedly, this approach is tough – especially in the heat of the moment. However, remember the Story of the Spilled Milk.
Pause.
Be thankful that it happened under your watch, while you still have the opportunity to positively influence the outcome.